If you’ve lost your relationship, the first step to bringing closure is letting go. Only then can you grieve and move on. In letting go you surrender to the forces of change outside your control. I was actually named after the Serenity Prayer, my middle name, Serenity Prayer is all about acceptance, It’s about learning to distinguish what you can and what you cannot change. Once you gain acceptance of what you cannot change, the unchangeable, you can move on -you can move forward.
Acceptance doesn’t mean that you grin and bear the pain, although in the early stages of abandonment it may certainly feel that way. Acceptance means that you face the facts and you let go. You let go of the idea that you can change what cannot be changed.
Letting Go allows you to stop fighting your feelings, especially anxiety, grief, and insecurities. Accept that these feelings belong to an inner presence, that we will call your inner child. Your inner child needs your love, acceptance, and devotion. Rather than fighting your feelings, you need to address them. You need to commit to working through them. This is how you remain deeply committed to your inner child. This is in essence ‘reparenting’ through connection to self.
According to the 12-step philosophy: an unrealistic expectation is a premeditated resentment.
This means to let go of unrealistic expectations of others or any expectations of others for that matter. This means letting others be who they are without feeling like you need to control them.
This is a big step. It means giving up the need to have other people feed your “hungry hole”. Releasing people from your being responsible for fulfilling your needs or demands sets up the foundation for healthy relationships. It allows you to love people unconditionally for who they are, rather than who you want them to be and what they can do for you. Learn to change your expectations for appreciation instead.
You must also let go of unrealistic expectations you have towards yourself. Accept yourself as you are, wounds and all. This strengthens self-love. Let go of your need to control the future. Do what you can do each day to maximize your life opportunities and then let go of what you cannot control – the outcome. Appreciate you’ve done the best you could for yourself despite the outcome. When you do arrive at the future, you will face it one moment at a time.
When letting others be who they are, the best rule of thumb to follow is: the Golden Rule, which is ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’. This rule is not about how people treat you, but how you treat them. You can’t control how other people behave or how other people respond to you. You can only take care of yourself and let others be who they are. So, be the one to care. Be the one to treat others the way that you would have them treat you. You have no control over how other people feel or how they act. Walk away from every encounter knowing you lived up to your own idea of how to act toward people, and let go. Let people be who they are even if they don’t reciprocate.
There are special conditions of Abandonment that make the task of letting go especially challenging. Abandonment involves having lost a loved one- just like grieving someone’s death. But when it comes to dealing with closure, losing love of a romantic partner is different than the death of a loved one. The difference is with abandonment your loved one is still alive, it feels like it’s still possible for you to receive their love. This feature distinguishes abandonment grief from all others. It comes with the feeling of rejection and it damages your self-esteem
Often, this grief is replayed over and over again as you attempt new relationships that ultimately fail. The abandonment wound is not yet healed and the same pain is relieved. You may have had high hopes in your new relationship, and now once again you feel unloved. This special type of grief is made-up of the terrible blow of rejection and love lost.
The step of “Letting Go” belongs to the phase of ‘Internalizing’, which is the phase your blame yourself for your failed relationships. In attacking yourself for being unworthy and unlovable you’ll start feeling depressed and insecure. You become hungry for emotional nourishment but that puts you in a bad position for a sustainable relationship.
To ensure that you heal and truly move on, I have created a nourishing, Inner Child Meditation for you. I suggest listening to it once though, and then adopt the practice of having a dialogue with your inner child for 3 minutes, 3 x a day for the next month. You will feel whole, radiant, and supported!